How I Became Sober-Curious

After questioning my comical but complex relationship with alcohol, I decided to attempt the 'sober-curious' lifestyle, and I have never felt more in control in my life

- By Ravi Raj

Once while trudging through the aphorisms of Fernando Pessoa, an author whose writings I devour with ritualistic obsession, I come across these lines: "Everyone has his alcohol. To exist is alcohol enough for me". Pessoa's brevity here made me pause and ponder-What is my alcohol? Well, the list is pretty long. Not that I consider myself a raging alcoholic, but I am never too far, at any point, from reaching the gates of reason to uncork a bottle or two.

Whether it was a night out with friends, a rock concert, or just a lazy Sunday afternoon, drinking was always part of the equation. It was almost as if I couldn't escape it, like a lithe winger dribbling against a muscular defender. It was a necessary component of any social interaction. "What are we drinking tonight?" will be my first question in any gathering. And for a while, I didn't see anything wrong with that.

I was young, reckless, chaotic, and always too eager to lose myself in a moment. Booze brought a side of me that remained alien to my sobriety. Only in a drunken state would I not shudder but rejoice at the idea of walking to the lonely beach to see the ferocious waves at the onset of a cyclone.

I still am young and reckless, but of late I have started questioning my relationship with alcohol. As much as I loved being under the influence, I also started hating the lack of control I would exhibit. How has alcohol become such an irresistible force in my life? Why were all my plans anchored around getting drunk? What does it say about me? Getting drunk had become less of a choice and more of a crutch. As I waded through the murky waters of my relationship with alcohol, I couldn't help but feel a sense of abject shame over my reliance on it.