The big test: BMW XM

M division's first hybrid is a grotesque looking super-SUV. Surely it must offer more substance than it does style...

- OLLIE KEW

Year: 2018 or thereabouts. Location: BMW's M division bunker. A cavalcade of 7-Series conveys the board of directors to the front door. "Good news, gentleman," they tell the assembled faithful. "Off the back of M turning 50 years last year, we think it's high time you did a bespoke M car."

A shockwave of excitement zaps around the room. M hasn't done an M-only model since the 1978 M1 supercar. While Audi RS and AMG have been making merry with their own supercar platforms, M's been tuning repmobiles. "We believe this is the right time for a plug-in hybrid M car..." continues the boss. Faces fall at the expected weight penalty, but Günther from powertrains is grinning at Hans from chassis dynamics. Instant response. Anti-lag boost. Torque vectoring. Low centre of gravity. The possibilities for M's new supercar are boundless.

"Oh, just one more thing," adds the suit before he turns on his heel and departs. "The new M car will be an SUV with class-leading rear legroom for the Chinese market. Tschüss!"

So here we are in 2023 and the new BMW XM is attempting, as the name would suggest, to splice the very best of BMW's money-printing X cars with everything the M division knows about high performance. And failing.

In fairness, BMW has pulled off the 'have your tall, compromised SUV cake and eat it' trick before, with the original X5 and then the X6. Those cars uprooted the goalposts for what was expected of how a heavy, high-riding car handled, and didn't do BMW's bottom line any harm either. Which is why there's now a bijou X1, an enormous X7 and every number in-between is covered.