INTER-PURR-SONAL COM-MEOW-NICATION

HUMAN, We, your most excellent and unbiased cats, have been experiencing ongoing relational issues with you, which we’d like to resolve promptly. We have compiled legitimate scientific litter-ature below. We trust it will help to guide you in improving your behaviour.

- CASSIE BARRADAS

WHEN A MEOW BECOMES A ME ME MEOW Your cats meow not to call attention to themselves but to your selfish “me, me, me” attitude. When you “have” to spend a solid three hours staring at your laptop screen because you’re “working,” that’s time your cat isn’t getting pet or fed—which is rude, and many studies have proven so.

HAVE YOU HURT THEIR FELINES? It’s not your cats’ responsibility to withdraw their claws—rather, every human in the home should instead wear thick, protective pants. When you ask your felines not to use your legs as scratching posts, you ask them to deny themselves one of life’s greatest joys. This is basic statistics.