I am going to examine two classic roadie obsessions and their intersection in the mind of my friend Bernard. Bernard is not usually a good model on which to base generalisations about cyclists, because while for the most part cyclists are a happy, carefree bunch, Bernard hasn’t been happy since the introduction of 8-speed gears rendered his favourite back wheel obsolete in 1994. But in the areas under scrutiny here, he is something of an expert.

Obsession number one is cleanliness. Not you, your bike. A brief spell in the national squad acquainted me with a team mechanics’ policy, which was: “The mechanics will not clean or work on your bike unless it is spotless and in perfect working order.” I’m not exaggerating, that’s what it said. It sounds like a bit of legislation devised by a mechanic who liked a quiet life, but the message is clear: no matter how clean you think it is, it can be cleaner.

“That thing is disgusting,” said Bernard when we met for a ride last week.

“What is it now?” I said.