Boost Your Self-Esteem

The surprising link between confidence and compassion.

- Courtney Shea

IMAGINE A GOOD FRIEND accidentally switched the a.m. to p.m. on her alarm clock and missed a major appointment. Or that same friend lost the election for condo board president. You’d probably comfort this person and explain that setbacks and screw-ups are just part of life. Now imagine the person in need of a supportive shoulder was not your friend, but you.

“We tend to be so much harder on ourselves than we are on our friends,” says Kristin Neff, a professor of educational psychology at the University of Texas and the founder of the emerging field of self-compassion. A cousin of self-esteem rooted in Buddhist practices, this approach focuses on developing a healthy sense of self based on viewing hardship and failure as reasons to be kinder to ourselves, instead of more critical.

In her popular TEDx Talk, “The Space Between Self-Esteem and Self-Compassion,” Neff explains that we’re tough on ourselves in part because we believe self-criticism is what keeps us from being lazy and self-indulgent. In fact, the opposite is true. Over more than a million years of evolution, our brains have been programmed to attack any problems we encounter; this dates back to when threats to our success (i.e., basic survival) were physical in nature. Today, it’s not our selves so much as our self-concept that’s under siege; when we become overly critical, Neff explains, we act as “both the attacker and the attacked.” This can increase stress and may trigger depression.