CAN'T COOK WON'T COOK

Sharon Wright can't even boil an egg, let alone stuff a mushroom – and, frankly, she's fine with it

- Sharon Wright

The kitchen is silent apart from the highlighter pens my husband and I are squeaking across bank statements. We're attempting to shock ourselves with how much we spend on eating out. He refrains from pointing out that this startling sum would be a whole lot less if someone (me) did their fair share of the cooking. Of the two of us, he's the one who puts food on the table in our house and it's me who suggests bobbing out for another curry on the overdraft.

I can't cook, you see. And I don't mean that in a self-deprecating 'nothing fancy, this, just a little soufflé' way. I mean in the way that your entire family takes the smoke alarm going off as a signal that dinner's nearly ready. My retort to any request for an alternative to burnt offerings is, 'I'm not running a cafe!' Imagine the Tripadvisor scores if I did: 'We could barely see our plates at The Shaz Cafe as smoke billowed from the kitchen along with some choice swear words. One star.'