He ended his life while I was CARRYING HIS CHILD

Rachel Hart-Phillips was 21 weeks pregnant when she received the news that changed everything

- WORDS: CHRISTABEL SMITH, ANNA MATHESON

Looking at my son Jonny, all I see is the same smile that first drew me to his dad Ant when we met through friends back in 2007. The way that Jonny's eyes crinkle when he laughs and how the corners of his mouth turn up. It's just like seeing Ant all over again. But Jonny never got the chance to meet the man that he so closely resembles.

My partner Warren is the one raising Jonny - he's his dad in every way that matters. But I still tell Jonny, who's now five, 'You have another dad in heaven.' He doesn't fully understand yet, but I know there'll be more questions one day.

Ant was such a likeable character, charming everyone he met with his witty humour, and he had an ability to make everyone around him feel at ease. My mum Pam and her partner Danny adored him and I was often in awe at how he managed to make just about anyone fall in love with him.

We had a completely brilliant social life, always out with friends or off on holiday. But right from the start, in private, I couldn't help but notice that Ant could often become anxious about what people thought of him.

In 2011, we were in London for a friend's party when he suddenly disappeared. He wasn't answering his phone, and we started frantically searching around the streets and ringing the local hospitals. Eventually we found him in one where he'd admitted himself after what doctors suspected was a psychotic episode. I was in a state of total shock. Ant was discharged the next day and when we returned home to Liverpool, he began a course of meds and counselling.