Back to the Present

THE SOUL OF THERAPY KEVIN ANDERSON, PHD

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After 32 years together, I got blindsided by my husband asking for a divorce. I feel utterly rejected and discarded. He took the best years of my life. I would have been better off if I'd never met him. I worry all the time about whether I'll be financially okay or if I'll ever find or trust anyone else. I'm afraid of being alone for the rest of my life. Therapy is helping some, but I wonder if you have any ideas about how I can get through this.

KEVIN: I wish I could tell you how to hit a fast-forward button to get through this difficult time, but there is no such button for any of us when we're jolted by crisis or loss.

Three people came to mind as I began reflecting on your situation:

• Franciscan priest Richard Rohr says that in difficult times we can spiral downward or fall upward, by which he means falling toward God or a higher, more spiritual way of living. I hope you can begin to frame this period of your life that way.

• The mythologist Joseph Campbell said, "We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." But what do we do in the meantime with that aching feeling that nothing is normal, the constant anxiety, the mix of so many emotions that we can't sort them all out? And what if we're in such a fog that we can't see any life waiting for us? Developing our ability to abide in such uncertainty is part of falling upward, but it rarely feels that way.

• Your wish that you had never met your husband and your fear of future loneliness reminded me of journalist and writer Fulton Oursler's words: