When adult children cut the cord

Grownups who cut off contact with their family are often trying to break away after a traumatic childhood. But sometimes the estrangement can be totally unexpected for parents who really believe they've done their best

- Gaby Hinsliff

IT’S A YEAR AND A HALF SINCE JODY LAST SPOKE TO HER MOTHER, and the conversation ended badly. Though their relationship was always fractious, with long spells of not speaking, Jody had been feeling anxious about some big changes in her life and was craving comfort. Listening to some old voicemails from her mother made her nostalgic enough to pick up the phone. But the call quickly degenerated.

“My mom has a proclivity for expressing her emotions in really extreme, volatile ways. She lashes out and insults people,” says Jody, who is 29 and in the process of moving overseas. Her mother has suffered long-term mental health problems, she says, and sees herself as a victim conspired against by others: Jody learned young that if she didn’t beg for forgiveness when her mother started hurling accusations, she would be frozen out. But not this time. “When it finally clicked that my mom weaponised her own emotions to manipulate mine, I stopped feeling a reflex to defend myself.” She hung up, blocked her mother’s number, and decided they would never speak again.

Though Jody is sure she made the right decision, living with it hasn’t been easy. “I still miss her, and wish I could have those moments other people have with their moms. I can’t remember what she smells like or how it felt to hug her.” But she can’t live, she says, with being continually tested, as if she were an employee permanently on probation. “What she didn’t seem to take into account is that, just like any other fed-up employee, I can quit.”