School's Out, I Kid You Not

It has come to my attention that school holidays are almost upon us. I am less than thrilled.

- Ben Trovato

The undersized ingrates seem to be on a permanent break. Wherever I go, the little savages are on the loose. It is not public holidays that need to be scrapped—it is school holidays.

They are an anachronism—a throwback to an era when teachers needed time off to go and fight the communists in Angola.

My history teacher was a cross between Machiavelli and the Marquis de Sade. He stepped on a landmine somewhere north of Oshikango and when the third term started, he rolled into class and carried on beating us as if nothing had happened.

Here's what should go down. At 10 a.m. on Friday, the army should be deployed. Every school should be sealed off with electrified blade wire. By this evening, there should be snipers in the trees and Alsatian dogs on the ground.

Nobody gets to leave until everyone, teachers included, can read to themselves without moving their lips and learn how to spell the basics.

This country is being destroyed not only by its leadership, but also by people who write memos that say: "Staff whose cars are parked at the front must move to the rear; there are no exceptions and it's got to be done today."