Getting all Trumped up

Dear Donald Trump, leader of the free world, master of the universe, commander of every living creature that moveth in the waters and creepeth upon the earth.

- BEN TROVATO CUT&RUN

Congratulations, mazel tov and mabrouk. Monday was a day that will not be forgotten when the history of the world is written. I hope I'm not commissioned to write this history since I celebrated a bit too enthusiastically and can only recall fragments of your inauguration.

Actually, I might have peaked a tad early when I started watching your Victory Rally on Sunday with my friend Ted, a Kamala Harris supporter who quickly came around to my way of thinking when I threatened to cut off his alcohol and oxygen supply.

It was a good moment for you to trot out Elon Musk, our most popular export next to Cabernet Sauvignon. It was also a smart move instructing him to come across as a gibbering idiot so as to make you look more coherent and sane. He pulled it off superbly, not even flinching when you thanked him for, er, taking a close interest in the vote-counting computers", which helped you win Pennsylvania.

I love how the tech bros and wannabe oligarchs are lining up to kiss your ring.

I hope for their sake you had it bleached beforehand.

My notes stop making sense at this point so I apologise if I lose track of which speeches you made where and to whom over the space of those two days.

I saw Melania standing next to you with two bibles, neither of which you laid a hand on when being sworn in. Good thinking. You wouldn't want to risk bursting into flames in front of all those people.