Dear Lord of the Fries...

I shower your luminous head with congratulations.

- Ben Trovato

Dear Donald Trump, Lord of the Fries, Supreme Commander of the Disunited Oligarchy of America,

Nobody, with the possible exception of Vladimir Putin and Elon Musk, could have predicted such a landslide. This has certainly proved it's not who you know that counts, but what they know about you.

I am ashamed to admit I predicted that Kamala Harris would win. I don't know what came over me. I suspect it was some kind of mental breakdown. I do apologize. Fortunately, I regained my senses at the exact moment that CNN projected you'd become the 47th president. Everyone loves a winner, and I am no exception.

Thanks to you and Team MAGA, millions of us no longer know what is true and what isn't. So when the stories began pouring in long before Starlink's wizards repurposed the tally, leading to your magnificent victory, we were unable to tell if it was good news or bad news, whether we were being told to prepare for the worst of times or the best of times.

Take this headline, for instance: "A Trump election win could add 4bn tons of CO2 to US emissions by 2030." When I read this before the election, I thought it was even more important that Kamala won.

Then, when she lost, I read it again and realized that I had misunderstood completely and that had the woman beaten you, she wouldn't have been able to add even 1 billion tons to the emissions. In fact, she might not have added anything at all.