The call of nature took quite a lot longer than I'd expected

At the risk of sharing a story that almost certainly shouldn't be shared, I had a very interesting visit to the I was in work and a bit bunged up after a hefty lunch of tuna and pasta - prepared the night before by Mrs Canavan and about as tasty as a small piece of wood - so I headed to the staff loo.

- Steve Canavan

There are four cubicles. As I entered I noted that the farthest cubicle was occupied, so I naturally went into the first one, furthest away.

(This is basic good WC manners; I can honestly say that the men I distrust more than any other in the entire human race, above even mass murderers and Simon Cowell, are those who, when in a public toilet containing, say, 15 urinals - all unoccupied bar the one you're at - come and stand directly next to you as you're emptying your bladder.

The worst, most evil kind of these are those who then try and make jovial conversation - standard start, a long sigh followed by a cheery 'better out than in').

Anyway, I stepped into my cubicle and spent a couple of moments lining the toilet seat with carefully folded paper.

This is a slightly weird habit I have, which I'm fairly certain I've explained in previous columns, so I won't go into detail again, suffice to say I'm always wary about toilet seats in public places, especially ones with suspicious-looking yellow stains on.

Next I removed my trousers - by that I mean pulled them down, not took them off completely; that would be odd-and, as one does in these situations, sat down.

Now this might just be me but in a public toilet, when there is someone in another cubicle I don't like to do my business at the same time.