My Teenage Descent in Kashmir

What started as a shocking find on my cousin's phone turned into years of obsession and self-destruction. It shows how unhealed pain pushes young people in Kashmir toward secret addictions.

- Faizaan Bashir

I used to sit down to write about how erotica and cigarettes wrecked my life, but then I would hear all these imaginary voices judging me.

People who think they are so proper and perfect would whisper in my head. Those thoughts always stopped me before.

This time I said no more, and decided to tell the full truth about how screen and smoking took control of me for so long.

I believe real confessions matter more than the hushed gossip and sneaky looks from a messed-up society.

It all started when I was twelve.

One day I was playing with my cousin's phone, and suddenly pictures and videos of men and women in intimate moments popped up.

The images shocked me. My young mind could not understand what was happening. I had no clue what they were doing to each other.

Months passed, and I got pulled in deeper. Those scenes kept flashing in my head all day long. I begged my cousin for his phone again and again so I could see more naked bodies.

Things got worse fast.

I bought my own phone. From then on, I spent hours every single day watching porn. Right after, I always smoked a cigarette or two.

If I missed even one day of this routine, I felt something huge was missing from my life.

The urge took over everything. I let it win without any resistance. I disappeared into those fake worlds until I could not find my way out.

School became the biggest victim.

Among all the boys who broke rules, I got the worst reputation as the biggest troublemaker. Every time I tried to study, my hand grabbed the phone and pulled me back to the videos.