Hail Mr Brown, a graduate of the illustrious Shadow State Academy

The man was a legend in his own corner of North West, but now he has been thrust onto the national stage, flaunting his talents for threats and the solicitation of 'donations' for all to see.

- By Bhekisisa Mncube

Ah, Chief Dwasaho! Our faithful servants of the people, the real champions, are hiding in plain sight, yet instead of laurel wreaths and brass bands, we gather only to mourn.

Stage left, enter our newly minted national hero: Brown Mogotsi, cast as the puppet master allegedly at the centre of South Africa's criminal justice capture. Bullsh*t.

But, my leader, let us pause at the baptismal font, the naming regime: Brown. Not even Green, not even Golden. Brown. What possesses a parent to christen their bundle of joy with the colour of mud after rain, or spilt coffee? What parent gazes at a newborn and declares, “Brown you shall be, whatever you desire, my son”? Perhaps they knew, prophetically, that their son would one day make a career of rolling in it.

Our Mr Brown is a friend and foe of our newest National Key Point, Vusimuzi “Cat” Matlala. We can confirm that he (Brown) is neither an associate nor friend of Senzo Mchunu, the police minister who's on leave.

Sadly, the standards of our journalism continue their downward spiral. Eyewitness News (EWN), that aberration pretending to be a newsroom, claimed without so much as a docket number that it had “reliably learnt” that Mr Brown carries multiple files for assault, theft, fraud and defeating the ends of justice. They say “reliably told” as if gossip at the carwash now counts as investigative rigour.

Then came Department of Correctional Services spokesperson Singabakho Nxumalo, who told TimesLive that Mr Brown's CV includes six months for defeating the ends of justice, six months for criminal assault and three to five years for criminal assault and reckless driving. All sentences have expired, yet EWN delivered it deadpan, as though the expiry date on a criminal sentence is the same as the best-before date on a carton of milk.

Of hangovers and cash flows