When You're in Chemo, Dating Is as Hard as It Sounds

At 25, I've been living with cancer for two years. I haven't found love yet— but I still believe it's out there for me.

- SYDNEY TOWLE

A couple of years ago, when I lived in L.A., I met a cute guy named Todd* at a day bar. We hit it off and chatted until the sun set, agreeing to meet up for an official date the very next day. What followed was the most fun I'd had in a while: We got coffee, bonded over our shared wanderlust, and—after he told me about a recent trip to Thailand—exchanged Instagrams.

“I had the best time and would love to see you again soon,” Todd said as we hugged goodbye. “Maybe dinner this week?” I couldn't tame the butterflies in my stomach. But when I got home, I started to wonder how he would react to my Instagram. I posted regularly (at least once a week to nearly 60,000 followers) and my grid was full of beachy, day-in-the-life selfies—mixed with chemo treatments and cold capping. I can’t say for sure what Todd thought of it, of my stage 4 bile duct cancer diagnosis, because I never heard from him again.

Months later, I met tall, fit Jake* on my daily walk when he stopped me after seeing my Dartmouth sweatshirt. We playfully bantered about Ivy League rivalries (he had gone to Brown), he asked me to dinner, and we traded numbers. He sent an initial text that night and I responded, belatedly realizing my contact-sharing feature was on, giving him my full name. Then...nothing. Again.

Had I imagined I'd gotten along with these guys better than we actually did? Had I unintentionally said something embarrassing? Was I just overthinking? After all, men in L.A. are notoriously noncommittal. At the same time, I couldn’t shake the feeling that they'd looked me up (the first Google results for my name mention my illness), seen the word “cancer,” and declined to get involved.

Truly, I don’t blame them if that’s what really happened. I would be spooked by the idea of dating someone living with a rare cancer, too. It doesn’t exactly scream casual, carefree, or sexy.