Identifying as Nonbinary Meant Becoming the Thing I Feared Most

Recently, my family came to visit me in Philadelphia.

- RIVER L. RAMIREZ

My cousin, a classic Puerto Rican papi who lives in Miami, took me out to drink near my new apartment. Over beers, I told him about a recent date I had with someone from the apps. At the end of the date, I had done something out of character and announced, "You will pay the bill." To my surprise, it worked.

They picked up the $70 tab.

I'd spent the past year going on shitty dates, politely listening to boring stories about people's exes and then splitting the bill. I'd wanted to be considerate, even if I wasn't feeling the spark. Sometimes, I'd spend more time than I wanted to spend with the date, just trying to find something to like about them. Could I at least see this stranger as a friend? Could I convince myself this hadn't been a waste of time? It never ended well. One person told me they'd recently bought a rabbit to sacrifice in a ritual. A Reiki healer turned out to be a chain-smoker. A grad student said she fists all of her friends. It all culminated in good stories but zero sparks.

My cousin listened and then looked at me with the intensity of Morpheus in The Matrix. "Become what you fear most," he said, and then he told me a story about trying to hook up with a woman when he was a bachelor. He said he'd put his finger in her mouth-and it had worked. "Ewwww, dude," I replied. (My cousin had once tried to teach me how to be a "player" and I had ended up crying. I hate negging and pickup artists.) But...maybe there was some wisdom here.

When I'd told that date to pay the check, I'd been embracing a persona that scared me. And that, I think, was my cousin's point.