"I Want WHAT THEY HAVE"

Parul Karn gets the experts talking about why we all compare, and how to make it work for love, not against it

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Have you ever watched a reel of someone being whisked away to a Miami beach and sighed wistfully because there's a proposal happening too? Be it a dreamy setup or a series of cute clips of a couple going out for dinner, it's all so easy to get caught up in envy. You look at your own relationship. You might hate playing cards, but your partner is obsessed with them. You love pottery, but they can't stand getting their hands dirty. Then you scroll online and see couples effortlessly doing those exact things together, and you're hit with a wave of FOMO, left wondering why something so small feels so big, or why it's suddenly so hard to communicate what you want without sounding unreasonable.

Set social media aside for a second. Are movies or book characters doing this to you, too? Fiction has always shaped our ideas of love. Mr Darcy walking at dawn in the hope of seeing Elizabeth Bennet in the romantic Pride and Prejudice (2006). Peter Kavinsky writing sweet little notes to Lara Jean Covey in the teen romantic comedy movie To All the Boys I've Loved Before (2018). How do you get your partner that invested in you? What if they find it over the top or it's just not their style? How do you find that middle ground where you can do things for and with each other without losing who you are in the process?

Comparison, one of the easiest habits to fall into, can easily suck the joy out of your relationship. You see a couple with the dreamiest proposal or the most cinematic meet-cute, and, before you even realise it, you're thinking, “Isn't that so cute? I want what they have.”

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