Losing The Plot

Mr Dear’s detective novel hits a slight snag when he can’t find the words.

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You will no doubt be pleased to learn that Mr Dear’s novel is coming along nicely, thank you for asking. It’s true that he hasn’t really made much progress with the actual plot, or indeed the words, since you very kindly popped by last week. You wouldn’t look at chapter one and immediately dash off to nominate the author for a Queen’s Award for Enterprise. However, he’s made some very important decisions.

‘I thought that my hero, you know, the crime novelist who solves the mystery, could be played by Patrick Malahide,’ he said as I prepared to go out.

‘What do you mean? Played by in what?’

‘The television series, of course. Patrick Malahide is always very reliable. He was very good as Inspector Chisholm in Minder, and he also played Roderick Alleyn, the upper-class detective in The Inspector Alleyn Mysteries.’

‘Aren’t you forgetting something?’

‘I don’t think so. He was in Middlemarch, of course, but that was a completely different kettle of fish.’

‘No no, what you’re forgetting is that you haven’t actually written the book yet. Not only have you not finished it, you haven’t really started it. By the time your hero assembles all the suspects in the library and reveals the identity of the killer, Patrick Malahide might have decided to retire.’

‘Oh, it’ll be fine. It’s all in my head,’ said Mr Dear.

‘What’s your hero called?’