"Once I picked up a drink, I couldn't stop. I was feeling cloudy, anxious and depressed, and I thought, I've got to say it out loud'.It was the best thing I ever did."

Despite a lifetime feeling plagued by doubt, Brian McDermott reached the very top as a manager – but, as he tells FFT, one day he woke and knew he needed a cry for help

- By Chris Evans

It was February 15, 2015 and I just felt I had to do something. I’d had enough and couldn’t go on. I’d tried to stop drinking on my own many times, but could never do it.

Drinking was a way for me to numb feelings, but the problem is it numbs everything: happiness, joy, sadness... You end up a bit numb to everything.

I’d finished managing at Leeds and was working as a scout for Arsenal, and I finally got to the point where I woke one morning and decided I couldn’t do it any more. I’d had a moment the night before – I’d been drunk – where I was feeling cloudy, anxious and depressed, and I thought, ‘I’ve got to say it out loud’. It was the best thing I ever did.

I went into our study where my wife was working and reached out to her for help. We weren’t actually together at the time and hadn’t been for a year, but we were staying in the same house. I asked if she could ring someone for me, and that’s when she made the phone call that changed my life.

I’ve always had struggles with imposter syndrome. I remember, aged 16, opening an envelope with my O-Level results inside and thinking, ‘I’m probably going to fail every one of these’. I got four out of five passes with Cs and As, and I thought they must have sent me the wrong envelope. I didn’t think they could be mine; they weren’t my results; they were somebody else’s marks.