How To Ask For Help

Needing help is not a weakness. Learn how to step beyond society’s love aff air with self-reliance and embrace your vulnerabilities.

- Kim Forrester

Self-reliance is a desirable personal trait in most developed countries around the world: the self-made (wo)man; pulling yourself up by your bootstraps; Bear Grylls battling alone in the wilderness. The Western psyche is teeming with ideas and ideals — both unconscious and overt — that celebrate those who go it alone, reject assistance and single-handedly conquer, overcome and succeed.

But does this idea go too far? What damage is it doing to society and your own wellbeing when you prioritise self-sufficiency over seeking support?

The concept of mastering one’s own destiny was encapsulated (and perhaps bolstered) by the 1841 essay Self-Reliance by American philosopher Ralph Waldo Emerson. In it, Emerson openly rebukes the wealthy city men who expect their careers to be handed to them on a platter and praises the “sturdy lad from New Hampshire or Vermont, who in turn tries all the professions, who teams it, farms it, peddles, keeps a school, preaches, edits a newspaper, goes to Congress, buys a township, and so forth, in successive years, and always, like a cat, falls on his feet”.

From here, the concept of self-reliance cemented itself as a sacred founding principle in the United States, particularly among conservatives. As capitalism took hold across the developed world, the fear of being seen as “in need”, “unproductive” or a “burden” became increasingly entrenched in the common psyche.

However, as honourable as the idea of self-sufficiency is — and as desirable as it may be when compared to complete dependency — it seems the concept has drifted towards the extreme.

In idolising the concept of “going it alone” in life, you appear to be demonising the very traits that underpin society and your personal wellbeing: vulnerability, compassion and common need.

Born to need