Why Mystery Keeps Things Hot

Strike a balance between familiarity and excitement, and your relationship will never get boring.

- Esther Perel

A lot of couples tend to think that transparency is the golden rule—that each partner should know all of the other’s feelings and thoughts, from his or her opinion of your new highlights, to your take on your SO’s new phone. But sharing absolutely every part of your life can be problematic. It robs your bond of an exciting curiosity factor. This may be why some other cultures (like the French) take the opposite extreme.

Many couples in Paris believe withholding most personal info keeps things intriguing. That may work to ignite desire, but it can also build a wall between you and your partner, making it hard to ever be truly safe and in love.

The best of both theories approaches the middle: you and your beloved need to know enough about each other to connect on a deeper level, but not so much that you start to think that you know everything. (I see this mistake in my practice all the time. A woman will be absolutely shocked that her boyfriend cheated, because she thought she knew him better than he knew himself. But that was just an illusion. In reality, she stopped being curious about him a long time ago, so she tuned out and didn’t clue in to the signs that he was changing.)

By finding a sweet spot of mystery, you’ll experience a healthy balance of love and desire, which will help you stay together happily, and nurture your erotic connection for the long haul. These simple steps will foster more in your everyday interactions.

DITCH YOUR ROUTINE