I cut my dying father out of my life... I still feel guilty

Erica Lefevre reflects on grieving for an estranged parent

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When my father died nine years ago, I wasn’t sent any cards or flowers and no one gave me their condolences. I realised that people assumed that it was not really a loss, because we were estranged. But in some ways the loss was more profound: not just the person but also the relationship that might have been - and the chance for us to reconcile.

I also felt extreme guilt. When his girlfriend phoned to tell me that he had died, she said he'd messaged to tell me that he had lung cancer. But because I had blocked his number on my phone, I hadn't seen the message. When she told me, I was absolutely devastated. And, almost a year on, I am still grappling with his death. I still hold the guilt of blocking him and not knowing he was dying.

So it may sound strange to hear that I still have no regrets about our estrangement. I know that I cut ties with him for the right reasons.

I was seven when my parents separated due mainly to alcohol on his part: my mum gave him the choice of stopping and staying, or drinking and leaving. He chose to drink.

Mum told me he was leaving because mummy and daddy don't love each other any more. She said I would still see him and it wouldn't change our relationship, but of course, that was not true. For a couple of years, I saw him every other weekend, but when I was nine, he had another baby with a new partner.