No one knows exactly why they've come - it’s out of habit or they're in the shadow cabinet

The unbearable lightness of the Tory party conference. A place where nothing ever happens. Where dreams come to die. Where the only joy to be found is in the possibility of forgetting. Oblivion is the hottest ticket on offer.

- John Crace

The banners around the conference compound carry the catchy slogan “Stronger economy. Stronger borders”. They should say “Abandon hope, all ye who enter here”. A colleague asked the guard whether this was the media entrance. He replied: “It’s anyone’s. It’s so quiet in there. I’ve been to busier dinner parties.” You can’t help feeling that the security is there to stop people leaving, rather than keeping the unwanted out.

Inside the complex there is almost nothing going on. The exhibitors’ hall a ghost town. All the Tories have to offer is some Winston Churchill and Margaret Thatcher tat. It’s like entering a time warp.

No one seems quite sure exactly why they have come. Mostly out of habit or because they are in the shadow cabinet and are rather obliged. Either way, it’s four days of misery for everyone concerned.