How do I tell him the party's over?

FELLA'S ANTICS BORING

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MY flash exhibitionist of a boyfriend is not so funny now that I'm sober.

In fact, I'm beginning to find him a bit of an embarrassment...

The first night we met he was dancing on a podium in an Ibizan nightclub. He was wearing a gold jock strap and his body was decorated with neon paint and glitter.

Our eyes locked and he put on a thrusting, X-rated show just for me. He was naughty and ridiculous and made me laugh.

We got together at the bar where we downed shots and compared tattoos. We ended up diving into the sea at dawn, then we wrestled on the beach in a tangled mess of sand and sex.