BEACHCOMBER 108 YEARS OLD AND TOTALLY TARIFF-FREE...

ROUSED from my slumbers the other morning, I was startled by the tone of the caller’s voice. “Tariffs!” he shrieked.

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“Uruguay! Consonants! Small Colon Collider!” he spluttered. Then, dropping his voice, he uttered the name “Trump” and burst into unrestrained sobbing.

I recognised the sobs at once. It was the Apostropher Royal, Sir D’Anville O’M’Darlin’ and I did not know what he was talking about. “Please explain slowly,” I said.

“I forgot to mention Europe,” he said.

“Does that make it clearer?”

“No,” I replied.

He continued in a sombre voice. “My spies have told me there is a strong rumour that President Trump is about to impose a large import tariff on the letter u,” he said.