The Melania riddle was never a riddle, it turns out

The riddle of the Slovenian Sphinx has been solved.

- Maureen Dowd

US President Donald Trump, left, and First Lady Melania Trump arrive for the world premiere of 'MELANIA' at the Kennedy Center in Washington, DC, on Jan 29. BLOOMBERG

(BLOOMBERG)

The perennial question about what Melania Trump is really like, behind her exquisite mannequin's mask, has been answered by her new infomercial, Melania. It turns out there is no riddle, no enigma, no mystery, no dark anguish.

Melania is not Rapunzel in the tower, pining to be saved from the ogre imprisoning her. She is comfortable in the frosty vertical solitude of the tower, swaddled in luxury.

Some theaters showing Melania were so empty that wags suggested that immigrants lacking legal status should hide out there. Reviews are brutal: The Independent said the first lady came across as "a preening, scowling void of pure nothingness in this ghastly bit of propaganda". The Guardian dismissed the movie as "gilded trash", and Variety asked, "Why would Amazon spend US$75 million on a movie this boring?" (I think we all know the answer to that.)

But the portrait of "The Portrait," as Melania was nicknamed by Ivanka Trump, is revealing because it doesn't reveal anything. We don't even learn whether Melania's feet ache after hours of wearing stilettos. (I picture her as having Barbie feet that cannot flatten.)

We knew everything we needed to know about her in the wake of Jan. 6, 2021. In the memoir of Stephanie Grisham, Melania's former aide and confidant, Ms Grisham told a chilling story about the chilly first lady. When the rioters broke through the barricades outside the Capitol, Ms Grisham sent Melania a text: "Do you want to tweet that peaceful protests are the right of every American, but there is no place for lawlessness and violence?" Melania texted back simply, "No." She was busy getting ready for a photo shoot of a rug she had chosen for the White House.