SCRATCH THAT FROM THE LIST

THORNS ARE AWFUL THINGS.

- SCOTT BEUERLEIN

From the deceptively furry stuff on some cacti to the murderous ten-inch needles on honey locusts (Gleditsia triacanthos), their sole purpose is to inflict maximum misery on any beast—dinosaurs to deer—that would even think about eating them. And collateral damage to any hapless humans who just want a pretty but thorny plant in their gardens? Not their concern.

I’ve grown some thorny plants. I’ve had a long, difficult relationship with roses, whose thorns, I swear, deliver some kind of venom that ensures suffering long after its point was made. One year, I grew hardy orange (Citrus trifoliata) from seed. I thought it might be interesting. No. Not really. It was just dumb.

Worse though was when I decided to grow a bunch of unknown evergreen barberry species (