Do we really have to be "healed" to date?

Because, come on, we're all beautiful works in progress...

- Lois Shearing

What do we do we the people we date?

Respect? For sure. Clear communication? Definitely. The most “healed” version of ourselves? Not so sure on that. Yet, the conversation around whether we need to be “healed”, “doing the work”, or even just in therapy in order to be dating never seems to go away, does it?

Remember when Jonah Hill was accused of weaponising therapy-speak against his then-girlfriend Sarah Brady when she claimed that he set her a list of “boundaries”, which included not surfing with other men or hanging out with friends from her “recent wild past” (sounds fun, tbh)? Or when people started sending out questionnaires to those they had matched with on dating apps, asking them if they were in therapy?

Conversations around “healing”, when it comes to dating, generally refer to someone having moved on from their previous relationship, not having lingering feelings for their ex, doing some reflection on why the relationship ended, and emotionally preparing themselves for letting a new person into their life—not always an easy thing to do. But recently, the term has taken off online to refer to “working on yourself” more generally, whether that’s going to therapy, addressing previous traumas, or just having your life together.

The Internet is, of course, divided. One side thinks that dating is both a necessity and a privilege, and that in order to be ready for it, you need to at least be aware of— and work on—your flaws, to minimise the harm you may cause another person (or people). In the other corner are those who argue that relationships shouldn’t be seen as a reward for working on yourself, and that human connection is all about meeting the other person where they are.