HACKING THE SYSTEM

Do you want to live forever? VERA PAPISOVA has devised the perfect day, full of antiaging and devoid of death

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It is a truth universally unacknowledged: A star in possession of death anxiety must be in want of an optimized body. In La-La Land, dying on schedule is C-list behavior. The ultimate performance is a life that transcends age—measured not by applause or awards, but by a perfect harmony produced by the gasp of rivals when your blood work reads 10 years younger than their last role. To endure beyond the mortal frame is not vanity, but professional destiny.

In this theater, what is death but bad lighting? Glamour is eternity; eternity is glamour. When the curtain falls, let it fall on someone else.

This hero’s journey is not for the faint of heart, nor for the weak of jawline. Should you dare, presented below are what 24 wellness hours can look like for an ageless statue. Fair warning: Some of these suggestions will expire long before a vial of salmon DNA. Such is the fate of science in Hollywood. So what if it’s not doing anything? Neither are diamonds, and those are forever. You could be too.

4:23 A.M. Awaken to a Hatch dawn simulator and forest bird soundscape. 4:26 A.M. Remove Dream Recovery mouth tape and Second Wind nasal strips. 4:29 A.M. Measure and document inner ear temperature. 4:31 A.M. Brush teeth with a titanium toothbrush. 4:34 A.M. Scrape tongue with the Slate electric flosser.