MIS FOR MUAHAHA

An F1-spec racetrack and BMW’s entire M portfolio to choose from. What’s not to like?

- Pablo Chaterji

What do you get when you combine a 4.4-litre, twin-turbo V8, a plug-in hybrid system, (checks notes) 717 bhp, 100 kgm, all-wheel drive, a 0-100 kph time of 3.3 seconds and an unrestricted top speed (with an M Driver’s Package) of 305 kph? The all-new BMW M5, that’s %$*!* what. To put that into some kind of perspective, a Porsche 911 GT3 RS does 0-100 kph in 3.2 seconds, has a top speed of 296 kph — and costs almost twice as much as the M5, which is a proper sedan in which you can impress the hell out of the rest of the kindergarteners at your child’s school, when you drop them off every morning. You can also do mundane things like take it to the supermarket for the weekly groceries, and then scare the pantaloni off a Lamborghini Huracan while returning home. For decades, the M5 has been a supercar-level bargain, and the new version continues that rich vein of form.

It’s heavy, though — astoundingly heavy at 2445 kg, which is half a tonne more than the F90 M5; blame the hybrid powertrain for this bulk.

It also looks... odd, with a face from the Angry Birds game and a rear that can’t quite figure out what it wants to do with itself, or what it wants to convey; its profile is its best angle, which isn’t saying all that much because it isn’t that memorable. This car has an undeniable presence, however, but that’s mainly down to how hefty it looks, which is fine if that’s your thing. The cabin is built to an incredibly high standard, as you would expect, and makes the M5 a genuine super-sedan (as always); it is, however, overly complicated in terms of the number of controls and settings.