How to… talk to a cyclist

If you’re a non-cyclist, meeting a rider at a social event (such things will happen again one day) can be a whole festival of awkwardness. Just try to remember that cyclists are very strange, so you should treat them as such.

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Ask them if their bike has a basket on it. They love this. (When cyclists roll their eyes, this is a friendly gesture.)

Then make sure not to miss the chance to start a conversation about cyclists riding through red lights and on footpaths. Your interlocutor will be happy to confirm that this happens all the time, that it’s the only reason they took upcycling, and that they and all their kind are genetically inclined to aggressive and antisocial activities.

You should recall for them some occasion when you drove into a cyclist because you were texting, drunk, arguing with your children or just having fun. They will find this every bit as amusing as you do because if they didn’t want to get run over from time to time they would travel by Range Rover.

Drugs are another topic you should raise. If you’re talking to a racing cyclist, ask them what drugs they use and if they know Lance Armstrong. Ask if [insert name of any bike rider you’ve ever heard of] is clean.