Me, You, and Intimacy Too

When was the last time you were intimate with someone, emotionally, intellectually, or physically? Psychologist Dr. Michelle Drouin says we are in an intimacy famine, and speaks to Amy Barrett about whether social media and smartphones are stripping us of one of our basic human needs

- By Amy Barret. Photographs by Getty Images and Natalie Kunkel

ARE WE REALLY IN AN INTIMACY FAMINE?

It sounds dire, but potentially, yes. Many of us are not going to work in the offices that provided us with exposure to people with whom we shared social, emotional and intellectual intimacy. We are not even smiling at people, because our smiles are disguised by masks [due to the pandemic]. The smile that we give another human could be a type of emotional intimacy for them, or a connection to a world that is happy and good, where people are supportive of each other.

When we get home, our children, our partners, whoever is at our house, might be threats to us. We have something called the behavioral immune system, which was studied before the pandemic, that says our bodies have a natural tendency to avoid potential pathogens. If we think someone is sick, we physically back away from them. It’s basically a turnoff when we know someone could be a threat to our physical wellbeing.

Prior to the pandemic, studies pointed to changes in our intimacy levels. A 2019 study I worked on with family scientist Brandon McDaniel found that 72 percent of couples felt a ‘technoference’ in their relationship.

Millions of people are lonely worldwide – one study reports prevalence rates of one in every five adults in the US and the UK, and one in ten in Japan – and loneliness has a profound, negative effect on mental and physical health.

Are we in an intimacy famine? I think so. We are at a place where it is harder to have intimacy than ever before.

DOES THIS MEAN THAT AROUND THE GLOBE, HUMANS ARE BECOMING LESS INTIMATE?

There are trends that point to the idea that we are not bonding in ways that maybe I would have considered bonding 30 years ago.