How To Say I'm Sorry

What to do when an apology is due

- Lisa Fields

YEARS AGO, I HAD A FALLING OUT with a friend due to a misunderstanding that was completely my fault. I was afraid to admit that I was wrong, so we didn’t speak for years. Then we bumped into each other and decided to meet for lunch. It was so pleasant that we kept meeting. After two or three meals together, I felt compelled to apologize for my transgression years earlier.

My experience isn’t unique: Many people avoid apologizing because the idea of admitting to wrongdoing makes them terribly uncomfortable. “We all like to view ourselves as good people—as kind, considerate and moral,” says Ryan Fehr, a professor at the University of Washington’s Foster School of Business.

“Apologies force us to admit to ourselves that we don’t always live up to our own standards. We might also fear that the victim won’t accept our apology, further compromising our positive sense of self. For these reasons, an apology can be very difficult to give.”

For many, apologizing is stressful, awkward and uncomfortable. But a heartfelt apology has positive effects. Research shows that it can improve your mental health, repair damaged relationships and boost self-esteem.

“Apology acts as a signal of one’s moral character,” Fehr says. “It represents a separation of the offender from the offense. The offender is saying: ‘I recognize that what I did was hurtful, but that offense does not represent me as a person.’”

Would you like to apologize but aren’t sure how? Experts offer this advice:

Build your apology