Cultivating Confidence

How to overcome betrayal and rebuild trust.

- Dilia Narduzzi

LARA HARRISON* HAS ALWAYS had a complicated relationship with her father. “He was a hard man,” the Hamilton, Ont., small-business owner says. His moods were unpredictable and he would often lash out with criticism. Being with him felt very volatile.

Over the years, Harrison tried to keep their relationship functional by calling out his behaviour and getting angry, but that just led him to shut down. Several times, Harrison felt she’d reached her breaking point, and avoided her dad for months. Still, she couldn’t abandon him completely. While he remained difficult to get close to, small actions showed he cared: he went out of his way to help out with tasks such as renovating her business. Harrison wanted the relationship to improve.

As her father reached his 70s, she realized that if they were going to re-establish trust, they could not waste time. “I made a conscious decision to change my responses to him,” she says. If he was being moody during their time together, she’d nonetheless end their interaction by thanking him for the visit and giving him a hug—something that wasn’t typical for them. The small interventions worked; he became kinder each visit, and his moods stabilized. Eventually he began reaching out to Harrison, texting to ask, “How are you?” or saying he was proud of her, something she’d always longed to hear. Harrison, in turn, felt more trusting: “My heart softened. I was more loving and willing to receive love from my dad.”

TRUST IS ONE OF the most important elements of a safe, fulfilling and well-functioning relationship. Still, it often isn’t until something hurtful happens— a spouse cheats, a boss ridicules us in front of co-workers—that we think about trust at all; we don’t notice it until it’s broken.