Don't jump into problem-solving mode. Listen to your child first

Parents are too task-focused. Children, especially teenagers, may feel they are not being heard.

- June Yong

Imagine you are upset over an obstacle you're facing at work. Have you ever aired your frustration to someone only to have this person reply with a deadpan face asking if you've tried troubleshooting by doing X or Y?

The suggestions may be sound, but did it also feel like your emotional processes had just been short-circuited, and you walked away from the interaction feeling strangely unseen?

I suspect this is a common pattern of interaction between teenagers and their parents. When they come to us venting about their mountain of schoolwork, they're probably hoping for a listening ear and some empathy. Instead, what we, well-meaning parents, tend to do is dish out some sort of practical advice. "Oh, you probably need to turn off your mobile phone notifications." Or, "You need some time management apps on your laptop."

I have been guilty of this type of reaction.

Once, my teenage daughter was upset over an incident with her friends. Instead of slowing down to show her the empathy and listening that she really needed, I immediately jumped straight into problem-solving. My advice might not have been bad, but I realised it did nothing to soothe her sore feelings over having been sidelined by one of her friends.

How can we do better?

UNDERSTANDING THE TEENAGE BRAIN

The limbic system, which is responsible for emotions, motivation and reward processing, matures faster than the prefrontal cortex during adolescence. The prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for higher-level cognitive functions like planning, decision-making and self-control, only matures in the mid-to-late 20s.

This different pace of development creates an imbalance between the emotional and rational seats of the brain, potentially leading to heightened emotional reactions even over seemingly minor incidents.