Ask Reeves*

Hello Britain, this is your chancellor.

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To celebrate budget week, I'm taking the reins of Keir’s column. In case you're unaware, I'm the PM’s chief ally (if it weren't for me, he’d be the least popular cabinet member). Did I mention I’m chancellor?

‘And not just any chancellor — the chancellor of the exchequer. So don’t call me “Rachel from accounts”. That’s one of Reeves’s peeves.

A recap of my time in office: I entered No 11 to find that the Tories had strapped TNT to the economy and thrown the detonator into a monkey enclosure. There was a £22bn black hole, and Britain was being sucked in, like Matthew McConaughey at the end of Interstellar. (Trust me: I would never lie about a fiscal black hole). So I told anyone who would listen that the UK was an economic basket case. Weirdly, this caused business confidence to fall.

Since then, I’ve been levelling with voters that they can expect pain in the short term. And the long term. Not everyone appreciates what a bang-up job I'm doing. There are critics and armchair generals who question my every move. Frankly, the public should be grateful they have an expert chancellor with a top CV. Does that sound arrogant? Too bad. People underestimate me, so I overestimate to balance things out.