Zhuzh it up all you like – a sandwich will never be proper food

Yeah, I’m gonna say it - stop with the fetishisation of sandwiches already!

- Lucy Mangan

Obviously we’ve had the annual rejoicing over the advent (ha! See what I did there?) of the Pret Christmas offering and the paler imitations thereafter by lesser chains and retail outlets.Now Harrods is getting in on the act with a £29 version on sale at its steakhouse, the Grill on Fifth. It consists of a burger patty (and listen, let’s get rid of the word “patty” while we’re about it, shall we? Why? Because it’s viscerally hateful, that’s why), roast turkey breast, stuffing, a pig in a blanket, spiced red cabbage, cranberry sauce and turkey gravy.

Stop it. Stop it now. Stop with fancy sandwiches because - stop with pretending sandwiches are proper food. Cold food is not proper food. Cold food you can eat with one hand while you walk home or back to the office it is definitely not food. It’s what you eat until and unless you can hie yourself to a hot meal and be happy again. And as for paying £29 for the privilege - well, unless somewhere under the cranberry sauce and turkey gravy is a cheque for £35 or a nice plate of risotto, you people are fools to yourselves.

Tuesday

Not unconnectedly, I realise now, this family is rejoicing in the advent of a new oven. We have been without one for several months because the previous one broke before I deemed it time.