The diary of a casual, not-at-all-obsessed 'Heated Rivalry' fan

The Canadian sports romance has overtaken fans' screentime, text chains and libidos since its debut

- VIKTORIA SHULEVICH GUEST CONTRIBUTOR

“HEATED RIVALRY” stars Hudson Williams, left, and Connor Storrie in the premiere episode.

(Sabrina Lantos / Associated Press)

Watched episodes one and two of “Heated Rivalry.”

■ Rewatched episodes one and two of “Heated Rivalry” on a loop.

■ Started a comprehensive glute routine.

■ Attempted to get everyone I know into “Heated Rivalry,” including my 88-year-old neighbor, who has not watched television since the 1970s.

■ Sent texts to friends with the fervor of a smitten teenager: OMMGGG I HAVE OFFICIALLY LOST MY MIND, ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS “HEATED RIVALRY,” I CANNOT WITH THOSE TWO, THEY ARE KILLING ME, IS HUDSON WILLIAMS’ MIDDLE NAME REALLY MILDRED??

■ Practiced the back arch.

■ Considered canceling my subscription to The New Yorker because, per Ilya Rozanov, “The New Yorker is boring.”

■ Decided to keep my subscription to The New Yorker out of respect for Shane Hollander’s dad, and their (boring) genes.

■ Watched episode three of “Heated Rivalry.”

■ Rewatched episodes one, two, three of “Heated Rivalry” on a loop.

■ Made a blueberry smoothie. Added an extra banana. Worth the hype.

■ Learned that Threads had become a “Heated Rivalry” cult. Joined the cult.

■ Inadvertently, and then very advertently, trained all my algorithms to give me only “Heated Rivalry” content 24/7.