Losing My Religion, Finding My Humanity at an Ayahuasca Retreat

AS THE SECOND ceremony commenced and I was handed my half-dose of the plant medicine, I took a deep breath and thought, “This is going to be an amazing night.”

- Bekah Congdon

I was transported to a cathedral-like space, and all around me were shapes and colors I can’t rightly describe. It was beautiful. I couldn’t stop looking around at these things I had never seen before. As I marveled, one shape seemed different. Somehow, I knew that I was going to be pulled into that shape.

Indeed I was, and was taken to a new room with new shapes and new colors. It was scary at first, this new room. But I soon acclimated and returned to enjoying the view. Then another shape appeared—a scarier shape—and I was again pulled through.

The sequence continued, each pull into a new shape taking me deeper into a realm of unfamiliar sensations. Time was distorted; I couldn’t grasp whether minutes or hours had passed. Each new “room” brought more fear than the last, as if I were moving further away from reality and into a world where every-thing familiar was unraveling.

After several of these transitions, the fear became more acute. When a new shape pulled me in, I said in my mind, “I don’t want to do this anymore.” I heard a voice respond, “You said you wanted to heal for those who couldn't do it themselves.”

It was true. One of my intentions for this trip had been to help heal the generations of women before me who hadn't had the opportunity for such an experience. Grounded by the response, I found the strength to keep going.

Again and again, a new shape pulled me into what felt like a new dimension. It was too scary. I said I wanted to be done. I was reminded of my plan, and so I continued. On and on. It began happening faster.

As I was pulled into another shape, my legs went numb. The sensation spread upward, leaving my neck and head without feeling. Finally, my arms fell, lifeless and heavy, as if they no longer belonged to me.

Then it hit me—like a jolt of cold realization: I had just died.

A JOURNEY TO DEATH AND REBIRTH