How to Be Alone (Without Dreading It)

A former monk and the author of 8 Rules of Love shares strategies for embracing solitude.

- JAY SHETTY

It's no wonder we dread being alone. All our lives, we've been primed to fear it. The kid who played by themselves in the playground? They were called a loner. The one who had a birthday party, but the cool kids didn't show up? They felt unpopular.

Not being able to find a plus one for the wedding makes us feel like losers. The terrifying prospect of having to sit alone during lunch is such a common theme in high school movies that Steven Glansberg, a throwaway cameo in Superbad, has made it into the Urban Dictionary as "that kid who sits alone at lunch every day, eating his dessert." It was drummed into us that we had to have a prom date, to fill our yearbooks with signatures, to be surrounded by a squad of friends. Being alone meant being lonely.

Even as adults, that fear remains. In fact, many people would rather stay in an unhappy relationship than be single.

If you type the phrase "Will I ever..." into a search engine, it predicts that the next words you will enter are "find love," because "Will I ever find love?" is the most popular question people ask about their futures. This question reveals our insecurity, our fear, our anxiety around loneliness, and these very feelings prevent us from finding love. Researchers at the University of Toronto found through a series of studies that when we're afraid of being single, we're more likely to settle for less satisfying relationships. Specifically, we're more likely to become dependent on our partners and less likely to break up with them, even when the relationship doesn't meet our needs.

My client Leo had been dating Isla for nearly a year when her job took her from Philadelphia to Austin. "You should do what's best for you," she told him.