What's your attachment style?

Understanding how your attachment patterns are rooted in your past — and how they play out in the present — can help you take control with kindness and compassion, writes Jackee Holder

- Jackee Holder

As a child, I would rummage through the two large drawers of the dressing table in my parents' bedroom. I was fascinated to find out more about who my mother was. Delicately handling handwritten letters and photos wrapped in embroidered handkerchiefs, desperate to glimpse the life she had lived before me.

This childhood curiosity reflects something profound: so much of who we are today stems from those early days. Children are like sponges, absorbing through osmosis the language, behaviours, and unspoken narratives from their primary caregivers. It's here we receive our most potent messages about love and intimacy through how affection is shown (or not shown), creating blueprints for our adult relationships.

Understanding these early experiences provides an essential lens for understanding ourselves. This is why this month we turn our attention to attachment styles — a powerful psychological framework coined by British psychologist John Bowlby and expanded by Mary Ainsworth, who revealed how our earliest bonds create patterns that shape our adult relationships, sometimes in ways we don't even recognise.

There are four main attachment styles.

Secure attachment stems from supportive relationships with caregivers. You are confident in who you are, can support your partner without losing yourself, and aren't afraid to be vulnerable.

Anxious attachment often develops from inconsistent early caregiving. You tend to be hypervigilant, constantly scanning for signs of abandonment. This can manifest as emotional hunger in relationships, where reassurance is constantly sought but never quite satisfies.

Avoidant attachment manifests as a fierce desire for independence and develops when children learn that showing needs or emotions results in rejection. This often leads to keeping others at arm's length, protecting yourself from vulnerability and deep emotional discussions.