WHAT I WISH I KNEW ABOUT EATING DISORDERS.

BEFORE I REALIZED I HAD ONE

- BY AVA SLOCUM

My illness took me by surprise. Here's how I finally got honest with myself and found help.

When I used to picture an eating disorder, I imagined a super skinny girl who only ate salads—or someone sneaking into the kitchen at night to secretly devour Oreos. I knew the terms “anorexia” and “bulimia.” I thought having an eating disorder meant either starving yourself or bingeing.

So when I started obsessing over the nutritional content of my breakfast and worrying if it was possible to gain 5 pounds overnight, no alarm bells went off in my head. I honestly thought I had just developed a new passion for eating healthy. But it turned out I was dealing with something much more serious.

Being “The Skinny Girl”

Looking back, my relationship with food has never been completely easy. As a kid, I was a super picky eater and ended up underweight for my age. My classmates, my mom's friends and even my pediatrician would always comment on how thin I was. Being skinny started to feel like a big part of my identity.

After puberty, I broadened my eating habits and reached a normal, healthy weight for my body type. But I never forgot what it felt like to be known as the skinniest girl in class. Honestly, I kind of missed it.

Throughout high school, there were times when I was especially focused on my body. I remember checking my thighs in bathroom mirrors and wondering if I liked how they looked. But I told myself those were just normal teenage worries.

A Sudden Change

My struggles reached a whole new level during sophomore year of college. After coming back from winter break, I suddenly became obsessed with my weight.

I convinced myself I had gained a few pounds over the holidays, so I spent every spare moment trying to shed them—logging miles on the school track (even though I hated running) and frantically Googling “how to lose weight.”