When You're Trans and Dating, Coming Out Never Ends

After I very publicly disclosed my gender identity on the apps, I thought I was done explaining myself. But here we are.

- ELLA SNYDER

Once as a freshman in college, I found myself on a third date with a guy named Matthew.* It was 2017 and we'd met on Bumble-he was a model, which set off my Power Couple radar, something I genuinely cared about back when I was just starting my own modeling journey.

At the time, I hadn't officially come out yet, and there was a thrill in not disclosing I was trans on the apps-in dating as a woman without a complicated backstory, in just living the life I believe I was intended to live. I've always had the privilege of "passing," meaning I look like a cisgender woman, and revealing that I'm trans was something I only got into when a relationship approached physical intimacy. (I fully acknowledge this gave-and continues to give me a general sense of safety not all trans women have.)

My first two dates with Matthew had been fun, and for our third, we hit an upscale Chinese food restaurant in NYC's chic Chelsea neighborhood with his model colleagues. It felt glamorous to be counted among all the long limbs and symmetrical faces. Matthew was attentive and seemed proud to be with me, and as the night stretched on, the conversation turned to people's greatest fears. Face-altering acid attacks and home invasions came up. I shared that my biggest one was my own demise. Then Matthew announced to the table that his started with the letter "T." Shouted-out guesses included tigers, terrorism, and tsunamis. "Worse," he replied. "Transgenders!"