7 THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT SEX

If your sex life is awkward, unenjoyable or simply non-existent, here are a sex therapist's top tips to improve intimacy

- KATIE BOTTLE

As a sex therapist, I help people to let go of what they think should be happening and move towards what they truly desire.

I often see clients who are stuck in their sex lives or who aren't having the kind of pleasure they want.

There are seven key things I've learnt in my time as a sex therapist that I believe can help people break free, improve their sex lives and experience more joy and pleasure. Here's what they are.

1 IF PEOPLE AVOID TALKING ABOUT SEX, IT'S OFTEN FOR THE WRONG REASONS

It's so common for people to be avoidant about the topic of sex that the underlying reasons for it are rarely even considered.

I've found that at the root of any avoidance or awkwardness there is usually something the individual has catastrophised.

They avoid talking about sex because, unconsciously, they believe doing so could reveal catastrophic truths, such as that their partner fantasises about someone else or that others are far more competent in the bedroom than they are. These fears are rarely the reality.

A client may say, "I think he really doesn't find me attractive since I've given birth" and my response is, "OK, but what makes you think that? Have you asked him? Have you asked what might be going on with him, or been curious about the changes in your sex life?"

If I could give only one piece of advice, it would be to let go of assumptions and expectations and find out what's really going on with your partner.

2 SHAME IS THE ULTIMATE PASSION KILLER

Individuals often carry unconscious shame, which can greatly impact desire. Feelings of shame may be linked to negative sexual experiences but can also date back to childhood.

It can be surprising for people to realise their sex life is being affected by beliefs and feelings originally unrelated to sex. For example, a child may have learnt to be ashamed of their own needs and suppress them in favour of other people's.