THE WISDOM OF RUDOLPH GIULIANI

“Matt Damon is a—Matt Damon is a f*g. Matt Damon is also 5’2. Eyes are blue. Coochie-coochie-coochie-coo.”

- JOHN KENNEY

“I’d never think about a girl being smart. If you told me a girl was smart, I would often think she’s not attractive.”

“They want to go through that freaking Passover all the time. . . . Get over the Passover. It was like 3,000 years ago. Okay, the Red Sea parted. Big deal. Not the first time that happened.”

—Rudolph Giuliani in audio recordings.

Lima beans. Lima beans don’t even make sense. No one has ever actually eaten a lima bean. That’s a true story.

You know who else is gay? Clint Eastwood. No one knows. Clint Eastwood. But it’s like a manly gay, if you know what I mean. I know this because I kissed him once. On the cheek. By mistake. It was lovely, though. We went camping.

I’ve seen the Red Sea part twice in one day. I was on a nude beach with Maury Povich, who’s Jewish, by the way. In fact, there are a lot of Jews in Israel. We stood there naked, neither one of us gay, and we watched the Red Sea part. Later, I would realize that I was actually in Brighton Beach, alone, and not in Israel. Although I was nude, except for a large saffron-colored hat.