Tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be a National Treasure

Don’t be afraid of failure. Don’t appear on I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here. And never, ever dance on a giant piano after a hip operation. Matthew Kelly imparts pearls of wisdom to Katie Jarvis

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You know me. I’d never ask anything personal. I always have a list of interviewee questions I simply would not – under any circumstances - have the effrontery to pose. (So as not to get confused, I mark this list, ‘Interesting Questions’.)

The list includes: divorce; age; sex (not as in gender) (though that can be complicated); religion; money; home address; scandal; anything not covered that’s potentially upsetting to said interviewee; anything interesting.

And nothing – absolutely nothing – below aortic level.

“I’ve just come out of hospital with a hernia,” Matthew Kelly tells me, barely two minutes into our first ever conversation.

Interesting.

Given more time, I’d Google

‘Appropriate responses to hernia’, (possibly an entry on How To Address a Duke). As it is, I have to improvise.

“I’m SO sorry!” I ad lib, using the intonation recommended for ‘Duke Has Just Died’.

“Don’t be,” Matthew Kelly says, in a Lancashire accent that strongly indicates all hernias are funny. “I’ve had me crumpets sewn up; it’s all right.”

The thing is, he explains, he didn’t exactly sustain his hernia in the most common of ways [pregnancy, frequent coughing, ‘bathroom’ issues. Source: Cleeveland Clinic].

“I’ve just come out of Big the Musical, at the Dominion, and had to dance on a giant piano. Well, last year, I had a hip replacement. When they rang up, they said, ‘How’s your hip?’

“I went, ‘Fine!’ “’Can you dance?’ “I went, ‘Yeess!’ (Ride a horse? I can ride a horse! I’m terrified of horses but you say anything to get a job.)”