Counter OFFENSIVE

A customer uncharitably suggests a radical new service

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It was a drizzly, cold sort of day, which meant we were having a rather quiet time in the charity shop. Nobody likes to carry bags full of old clothes through a light drizzle. I was on my own while Wendy went to buy us some jam doughnuts when a woman came into the shop with a bright yellow cushion tucked under her arm.

'Good afternoon,' she announced in a booming voice. 'Do you do swapsies?'

She was tall, probably in her late 40s or early 50s, and built along the lines of a Viking goddess. She wore an elegant tweed jacket and blue jeans, and I couldn't help envying her silk scarf.

'Swapsies?' I said.

'Yes, I've got this floor cushion, as you can see. Well, more of a beanbag, I think you'd call it. I wondered what you'd give me for it?'

Very politely, I explained how things work in the stuffy and traditional world of the charity shop. People bring things to donate to the shop, and we sell these things to raise money for good causes. If this was the Multi-Coloured Swap Shop, I would have been replaced long ago by Noel Edmonds. But deep down, I knew I was wasting my breath.