A FIGHTING CHANCE

Conflict is part and parcel of being in a relationship, says Belgian psychotherapist and renowned relationship expert Esther Perel. The trick is figuring out what you are really fighting for - not about – and learning how to fight fair.

- Liesl Robertson

We’ve all had that moment when one small thing pushes us right over the edge: ‘Dishes left piling up in the sink. Too much time spent scrolling social media when we long for quality time. A big decision made solo instead of together. That tone of voice that makes us feel stupid.

The past transgression that refuses to leave the room. The cycle of judgement towards each other that underscores and inflames a banal interaction. The political conversation that leaves us screaming, "How can you think that way?!"

'In all of these situations, our hyper-focus on the content of our arguments leaves us spiralling into escalation,' says Belgian psychotherapist and renowned relationship expert Esther Perel.

You might blame that towering pile of dishes for your fight, but more often than not there's a deeper issue that drives escalation.

Let's say you get into bed at night and your partner barely looks up from his phone. You're not actually triggered by the fact that he is doomscrolling again – you're triggered because you experience it as neglectful.

Or if your wife goes to brunch with her friends every Saturday but you haven't had a date night for months because 'she's too busy'. That might trigger your insecurity: Does she not want to be with you? Are you not enough for her?

'These triggers act as a funnel to our sense of abandonment and failure,' Perel says. 'And when these triggers compound over time, it creates a lens through which we view every interaction.'

Once you start thinking your partner doesn't care, you will start seeing everything they do through that lens, and interpreting all their actions as negative.

WHAT ARE YOU FIGHTING FOR?

So what can you do? First of all, take a breath and think about it: what is really going on? 'It's not what you are fighting about, it's what you are fighting for,' Perel says.