The Phoney War with Virgin Media

It's 2025 and apparently I must have a landline I don't want, along with a tiny lump of plastic and wires

- Barry Collins

The sadistic part of me almost looks forward to my 18-monthly wrangle with Virgin Media’s retention department. It normally follows a familiar pattern. Virgin sends me a contractending reminder, saying it will be charging me the price of a Range Rover from next month. I tell Virgin I’m not prepared to pay any extra, we spend a couple of hours arguing the toss, I threaten to leave about six times, and it eventually caves and renews at roughly what I was paying in the first place. It’s like rows with my other half, except she’s the one threatening to leave and I always end up paying (I’m available for weddings, bar mitzvahs, etc).

This year’s haggle started off following the familiar script. How about we give you more speed for more money? I don’t need more speed. OK, how about we give you the same speed for the same money, and we'll throw in a telephone line with that? That will do nicely, but I don’t want the telephone line. Shall I proceed with this? Sure. I chalk up another successful negotiation, light a cigar.

“I would also like to keep you informed that there would be a one-off activation fee of £35 for the landline.”

I choke on my cigar. “I don’t need a landline.”

“Unfortunately, the discount comes with the bundle.”

“OK, cancel my deal then.”